The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

The United States recently filed several complaints with the World Trade Organization against the Chinese government for its failure to clamp down on media piracy and counterfeiting. Here are some other measures the U.S. has taken to combat the problem:

• Refusing to free Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Ziyi Zhang until demands are met, and maybe a while after for good measure
• Sending Steven Spielberg on goodwill mission to explain to average Chinese citizens how piracy hurts his ability to make a living
• Giving tax breaks to entertainment industry for making shittier products that are even less worth stealing
• Implementing new security algorithm on all CDs and DVDs that slows hackers down for up to three hours
• Letting the artists handle it
• Tracking all citizens, thereby creating a draconian hellscape to protect Resident Evil: Extinction from profitless consumption
• Suing pants off college kids
• Fighting never-ending, futile court battles rather than adapting to new technological paradigm